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The Clock
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a HUGE wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are the reasons for all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie in all her long life."
"And whose clock is that?", said Hillary.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
From the Washington Times, Inside the Beltway, by John McCaslin:
Good grief, were we ever inundated with mail after writing about the "Funniest Woman on Capitol Hill" contest, which already has an apparent winner. The Marshalls' Women in Comedy Festival and Sen. Barbara Boxer, California Democrat, have asked lady lawmakers to recite their best political jokes, each quip matched by a $1,000 donation to a local women's shelter. Political comedienne Paula Poundstone will judge the jokes and crown the winner next Thursday. However, our readers can't wait that long.
"My nomination has to go to former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton," writes Anthony Phelps. "She just cracks me up. Her deadpan delivery while delivering such hoots as 'I had no idea my brother was talking to my husband,' or 'I thought everybody took the silverware, that's what we do in Arkansas,' shows good timing, excellent delivery and the necessary ingredient in all good humor: irony."
Just in case why you've forgotten why so many people despise this man so much. This was reported by ABCNews.com. Clinton Admits Having Sexual Relations with Lewinski
"I'm sorry for all the trouble I have caused so many people. I must admit that I lied to the American people. I did have sex with Lewinsky. I did ask her to lie to the judicial inquiry. I thought I could get away with it. I was wrong. I am sorry."
The man has just described perjury and obstruction of justice, serious charges that were lost on the public.
"Everyone knows that Hillary is a prude. She is so cold in bed, and I need to be satisfied. The life of a president is very stressful. I needed a way to get go of those tensions that build up during the day, and Hillary was not cutting it. Lewinsky understood this and she helped me through a hard time." [laughter from the press] "I didn't mean it like that!"
Those comments about Hillary are almost, almost enough to give me a twinge of sympathy for her.
"I will resign as president of the United States of America. This job will now be the responsibility of a fine and competent man, Mr. Al Gore. Well, he couldn't do any worse than George Bush."
Bubba needless to say, went back on his word, remained in the Oval Office went on to become famous for pardoning a wanted criminal, selling pardonds in exchange for votes, and stripping Air Force One of everything not nailed down.
Hillary went on to become the most useless Senator ever to commit vote fraud in the state of New York.
Well, Bill Made Her Famous...
After many years, a Jewish mother gets the phone call she never thought she'd get from her openly gay son.
"Mom, I've met a wonderful girl, I'm going straight and we're going to get married."
Mom is overjoyed but asks..... "I suppose It's too much to ask that she's Jewish?"
Her son says, "Mom, not only is she Jewish, but she happens to be from a very wealthy and prominent Beverly Hills family."
Mom is beside herself with joy and says, "You don't know how happy you've made me. What's her name?"
The son says, "Monica Lewinsky."
Mom is silent for a moment, and then says, "Whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you used to date??"
The Question:
What was Clinton's biggest mistake after breaking off his affair with Monica?
The Answer:
Not asking Ted Kennedy to drive her home.
Pardon Me
Did you hear that Clinton was walking down the street and a guy bumped into him as they passed.
The guy says to Clinton, "Pardon me!", Clinton says, "Sure but it will cost ya!"
Military Courtesy Change
Someone picked up on something very funny this morning. CNN showed George W. leaving HM-1. The marine at the front step saluted, GW returned it, and as he walked away, the marine executed a right face to stand facing GW's back ...something that was missing in eight years of the Clinton presidency.
The traditional Marine Corps mark of respect was rendered to the new president. That one goes back to the days in the rigging, when the marine orderly to the ship's captain always faced him, no matter his direction of movement, to be ready to receive an order. Who says that enlisted men can't hold back when they don't respect someone? ...And for eight years, they did. The only problem was that Clinton didn't know that he was being snubbed.
The following is from another email my dad sent. Some of these I have never heard before.
Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides!
Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair. She supposedly replied, "Close but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue".
President Clinton now only recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham Young. However, those from Slippery Rock can apply for a try out!
Did you know that Bill Clinton and Al Gore have agreed to change the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th commandment: "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff."
The Last Request
After many years of illness, Ronald Reagan was very ill and it appeared that he might not pull through. Obviously, Nancy and the rest of the family was at his side, as well as the family minister. Knowing that his time might be short, they asked if there was anything that he wanted.
"Yes," he replied, "I'd like very much to have Bill and Hillary Clinton at my side before I go."
They were all amazed at this request and several assumed that>his memory was failing even worse than they had suspected. Regardless, they went ahead and forwarded his request to the former first family.
Within hours, the former president and first lady arrived at his bedside, courtesy of the loan of Air Force One. For a time, no one said anything. Both Bill and Hillary were touched and flattered that Ron would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled - obviously they were of different political parties and had thrown barbs in one another's direction over the years. Why not George Bush Sr., G.W. Bush or some of Reagan's many Hollywood friends? He had never given the Clintons any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally, Bill spoke up and asked, "Mr. President, why did you chose the two of us to be at your bedside at this critical moment?"
The former president mustered up some strength and said very weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves ... and that's how I want to go."
From the Washington times, Inside Politics.
Gloria Borger, writing in U.S. News & World Report, says this is a true story:
"The day before inauguration, Hugh Rodham -- happily mooching off taxpayers rent free and well fed upstairs at the White House -- was having a tough time getting all his boxes packed. So the first brother-in-law went to an usher with a request: I'm not sure I can get out of here by tomorrow. Do you think I can stay a few more days?
Was he kidding? Or did he think the Bushes wouldn't notice?" the columnist asked.
"The White House thought otherwise, and Rodham left town."