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Setting: Trail's End Hotel
Location: A small rural town
Any similarity to persons, places or events, either real or fictitious, is most likely a coincidence. As any small town local knows, everything that could ever happen has already happened to someone, somewhere, at least once. Usually, it's happened to an acquaintance of a distant cousin, whom no one has ever met.
The names of the characters have been omitted to protect their lack of similarity to any other characters, either real or fictitious.
Busy night. Full moon. There's a strange woman sitting at the bar. She has a loaded derringer in her purse. Her hand is in her purse, fiddling with the gun. The gun goes off, shooting her in the thigh. No one hears the shot. She sits there - very still - for a while. Abruptly, she pulls the gun from her purse and slaps it on the bar. The woman then commences screaming that she wants to talk to her sister, who is "outside somewhere".
Blood is noticed by an astute local, and the accident is surmised, without the help of the hysterical woman. The police and an ambulance are called. The sister is searched for. The search is difficult: no one knows who the woman is, let alone her who sister might be. The woman is taken for treatment, then released into the custody of Town Cop. The sister is eventually found. No one knows what happened to either woman. We never saw either of them again...to our great relief.
The place is packed. A young stranger sits at the bar, showing off his clever tongue piercing. Bartender is very busy. The clever guy tries to pour himself a beer, by reaching over the bar and pulling the tap. Bartender isn't that busy. Bartender charges double for self service. The clever guy refuses to pay, and Bartender pours out the half-glass of beer that the Perp managed to pull.
After long, futile argument, the Perp leaves peacefully. He makes it to the sidewalk. Owner and Bouncer are standing in the door, watching him. The clever Perp turns and starts yelling that Owner is prejudiced against tongue piercings, long hair and people from out of town. Owner is from out of town himself. A Scuffle ensues between Owner and Bouncer, while both try to get out the door together to get at the cleverly shrieking Perp. Owner wants to argue. Bouncer chases the guy off down the street. Later, after closing, cleaning, etc., the whole bar crew heads down the street to an all-night diner for breakfast. The clever Perp is there, eating toast and talking on the phone. He sounds very upset.
He's telling someone he just wants "a ride out of this town". He's actually crying a little. The Waitress looks worried. The bar crew helpfully explains to Waitress exactly what happened in the bar earlier. We figure the guy will try to slip out the door without paying. He does. The Town Cop is called. He finds the not-so-clever Perp down the street, trying to break into a store. The Perp got his ride "out of this town"...in the back of Town Cop's car.
It's a warm fall evening, and Friday night business is brisk, as usual. The Crowd is all locals. Most have had, or know someone who's had, a run-in with the law. Just small time stuff. All the locals are leery of Town Cop. The phone rings. It's for Bouncer. Bartender tries to get his attention. She must shout to be heard. Bouncer is at the other end of the room. He doesn't want to fight his way through the crowd. He shouts back: "who is it?!". Bartender gets impatient, and yells that it's the Town Cop. Bouncer gets to the phone, talks a few minutes, hangs up and leaves. Bouncer's Girlfriend is left standing by the bar.
The Crowd gets quiet. Murmurs awhile. Demands to know where Bouncer went. Bartender is caught between a rock and an angry Crowd. Bartender nervously tells Crowd that Town Cop wanted Bouncer to meet him someplace, but didn't want anyone to know. Crowd begins buzzing, and decides that Bouncer must be a snitch who went off to tell Town Cop all about what each of them has been doing. Crowd begins moving toward Bartender and Girlfriend. Looks like a lynch mob. The buzz turns to angry shouts. Bartender & Girlfriend are really worried. Bartender decides to tell Mob the truth:
Town cop stopped to help a woman who had locked her keys in her car. Town Cop forgot to take his own keys out. He locked his own keys in his own car. He wanted Bouncer to come open both cars; he was embarrassed, and didn't want anyone to know. Mob is stunned. Begins to chuckle. Bouncer has unlocked most of their cars, too. Crowd shuffles off. By time Bouncer arrives from successful rescue mission, Crowd is back to normal.
The Bar has two entrances, front and back. Regulars usually come in the back. The back entrance has two doors, separated by an air lock-type thing, to keep out the cold in winter. Might work, too, if the outer door wasn't a screen door. The inner door had a broken doorknob, and locked with separate deadbolt. Bouncer was in the habit of opening the inner door with the bodies of the Perps he ejects.
On this particular Friday night, a drunk gets mad at his wife. Decides she's cheating on him. He slaps her. Bouncer is mad. He picks the Perp up by the scruff of his neck and the back of his belt. He heads for the back door, Perp in hand(s). He attempts to push the door open with Perp's head. WHOP! He Fails. Confused, Bouncer backs up for another run. He bangs Perp's head into the door again. WHOP! No luck. Bouncer is now mad at Perp and mad at Door. He attempts to open Door, using his human battering ram, one more time.
By now, the Perp is startled sober enough to hold out his hand and turn the doorknob before having his head slammed again. Perp successfully ejected.
It turns out that the Manager had fixed the doorknob, but forgot to mention the fact to Bouncer. The incident sparked running half joke though. Whenever someone starts acting up, we can tell them to knock it off, or Bouncer will throw them out...and if he's in a good mood, he might even open the door first.
One Regular was getting a little toasted. He decides to walk home. Bouncer and Wife - formerly Girlfriend - are watching Crowd on back room dance floor. Bouncer sees Reg wobbling to back door. Reg stops suddenly, ready to fall over. Bouncer runs up behind Reg. Bouncer puts his arms out in an attempt to keep Reg from falling.
The Reg somehow slithers right through Bouncer's arms, like sand running between your fingers. He lands face down on the floor. He drives the frame of his glasses into one eyebrow and cheek. There's blood everywhere. The Reg is treated and released by Bouncer and Wife, into custody of Reg's 18 year-old son, who drives him home.
Contrary to popular opinion, the Reg did not cut his face on the same Friday night that he tripped on the rug and fell headfirst into the glass case full of beer steins. He didn't have a scratch that time. No steins were injured, either. The Reg paid to replace the glass.
A Regular who lived upstairs was sitting at the bar, doing shots. He was on a medication that you're not supposed to drink while taking. The Reg keels over off the barstool, onto the floor. Bouncer checks Reg. Reg's pupils are fixed and dilated. There's no respiration and no pulse. His bowels and bladder have evacuated. The man is dead.
Bartender calls 911. Bouncer does CPR. By the time the ambulance arrives, the Reg has regained consciousness. The ambulance attendants try to take the Reg to the hospital. The Reg refuses to go. He insists that he's fine. The ambulance crew discusses it, and decides that Reg really ought to go to the hospital, seeing as how he has just died and come back to life and all.
The Reg still refuses, complaining loudly that he doesn't want to have to go all the way to the hospital, then wait around all night for a ride home. Reg is finally convinced to go to the hospital, where he's treated and released. Manager gives him ride back to hotel.
Contrary to popular opinion, the Reg's death and subsequent recovery had nothing to do with his penchant for drinking flaming ouzo, forgetting to put it out first, and setting his shirt on fire after trying to spit the flaming liquid back out.
Not a Friday, but worthy of note. It's a cold day in February. Bouncer has had very long day at his other job. He stops at the bar and orders supper from little place next door. A local who just lost his job is inside, cadging free drinks from sympathetic locals, and getting very drunk.
An hour later, the food is done. Bouncer puts dinner in the car and starts it so it'll warm back up. Bouncer sees the drunk outside, trying to start his own car. The drunk does not ask Bouncer for help. Bouncer goes back inside to finish his drink while the car warms up. Drunk comes back inside, too. Bouncer goes out to the car. The car has been moved, and is no longer running.
Bouncer's a little peeved, but tired. He decides that going after the drunken Perp is not worth the effort. He wearily climbs into the car. The keys are gone. Bouncer is very angry now, and wide awake.
He goes inside, straight to the Perp. He grabs Perp by the throat and bends him backwards over a barstool. He snarls: "Where are my keys? Give me my keys!", while shaking the Perp by the throat. He lets go of Perp's throat and waits for an answer.
Instead of answering, the Perp starts yelling intelligently: "Why did you grab me by the throat?" Bouncer answers "Because you took my car, and you took my car keys!" The Perp idiotically repeats his question. Bouncer repeats his answer while drawing back his stiff-fingered, open hand, readying to forcefully make his point.
Seeing the danger, the Regs start yelling at Perp to shut up. Bouncer's keys are retrieved from the floor, where Perp had tossed them on his way back inside. Bouncer tosses the Perp out the back door on his way to the car.
By the way: the back door is now a brand new, heavy duty, solid steel job. Bouncer was very tempted to see how well Perp's head would hold up against the new door. Everyone agrees, Bouncer controlled himself admirably. Moral of story: don't mess with Bouncer's car.
And so life continues in small, rural towns everywhere - where the locals have to be halfway crazy, in order to remain halfway sane. We hope that - God willing - our way of life will never change.
© 2001 , Michelle Houghtaling