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The Blond and the Hot Air Balloon
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man on the ground below.
Descending a bit more, she shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
Nodding an affirmative, the man consulted his GPS and yelled back, "You are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information. And, the fact is, Sir, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The man responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due, in large part, to a huge quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea of how to keep, and you expect someone else to solve your problem.
And, the fact is, Madam, that you are in the exact same position you were before we met... but now, somehow, it's my fault."
The Worst Golf Foursome
1. Monica Lewinksi
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton
Why?
1. Monica is a hooker,
2. O. J. is a slicer,
3. Ted can't drive over water, and
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last.
You know if you are a good Democrat if:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding American citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinhem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E.Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Communist Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.